Thursday, 3 July 2008


Ok, so you feel like a fraud.

You've only tried to kill yourself in one form or fashion a few dozen times over the years. You smoke like a chimney, and drink like a fish. You've beaten your head against the wall so often your head has got used to its new shape, and the plaster needs mending everywhere. But you turned down the offer of the hospital when they told you how horrid it would be. You've just become a good statistic for some govt study. They got me on their description of the food. They spent 30 minutes with a severely distressed suicidal person after the assessment telling me (selling me?) how crap the food was in the local mental institution. Should sales techniques really be allowed at these times? The system sucks. It is no thanks to the NHS that I am alive now since that bad time in January/February. They came round once a day or so to find out if I was dead. That is the truth of the system of the Crisis Team - staffed by idiots in general. "Do you find what goes up must come down?" ... "Is it like a rollercoaster?" ... "Have you been having dark thoughts?"... [expletive removed].

Edit - I was ranting last night. All the above is probably completely unfair.

Extra edit: thank the stars and moon and sun for friends.


Terra Incognita said...

I'd rather not be left in a corner to fall over and die, personally.

I understand your frustration though. Honestly, I do.

There were actually times when I wished they had just "taken me away", when I was too exhausted to even take care of myself, and wept at the thought of being home.

HUGS from afar

Terra Incognita said...

Hey, what is their description of food?
Do tell-I'm afraid all these meds are making me a little bit of a chunky dunk!

Abysmal Musings said...

Evening! They emphasized the mush, the tastelessness, the overcookedness, the peculiar permeating smell of it...

Sorry, I can't really remember! I was not really in the right mind to take it in.

Really, I think they were being positive. The message, as far as I can remember it with any hope of accuracy or lack of bias was along the lines of: "We'd like to put you in the hospital, but you probably wouldn't like it there. Promise not to kill yourself overnight and you can stay home."

In a funny way I appreciate the choice. In another way, I was in no fit state to make any decision one way or the other.

The one thing I will say about that time with unreserved praise was the first emergency doctor who turned up at the house. She came in and turned on these marvellous eyes of understanding and sympathy, took my hand, and said it will be fine eventually. She was an angel.

Ach... rambling again. I was indulging in some light reading.

Take care, D :-)

Terra Incognita said...

I remember the hospital "choice". It was them asking me if I was suicidal or a threat to myself just then at the very precise moment. And when I said no, not right now, that seemed to satisfy them. Their argument against the hospital was that I had this lovely family I was obligated to get better for-as if the hospital was a vacation place I would be going to, to get away from them or something. I looked at them like they were the crazy ones. I had an angel, too. Unfortunately I put too much faith in her and when she left the system I lost faith in the system. *sigh*

Abysmal Musings said...

I don't know if you still get comments or not, but yes, that reads very very very true. Take care D