Wednesday, 9 July 2008

The Circularity of Biography

What is the future? Days when that thought: "I want to be dead" has to be pushed away as the irrational reality that it is? Days when the ferocious mood puts me through the wringer? I look back and try to remember the last time I was absolutely happy for more than a few days. Early 90s? Earlier? Ever? It's just going to carry on, isn't it? The same old shit, up until the time when the end happens naturally. Must become an aficionado of shit, in that case. Smile on the rack. For the sake of the children. Damn it - I'm down when I'm up and I'm down when I'm down, and damned when I'm down and up and down and down.

The early nineties were the end of my (mostly) joyous euphorias. It all went downhill steadily from 92. Around 2001 I thought I had cracked it - thought I'd learned how to cope responsibly. I'd actually held down a job for 2 years! Working for someone else!!!

So I set up my own business in competition, started an MA, and a family within the space of a couple of months. I kept the facade shored up for six years by sheer willpower and increasingly strong drink. And now I'm back in the same fucking mess I've always been in.

It gets so boring.

2 comments:

titaniumrose said...

While my life certainly hasn't been as interesting as yours, I can relate. Keeping up the facade sure seemed a lot easier back in the days before I had all of these damn drugs "helping" me. And that Seroquel is nasty nasty stuff. It turned me into the walking dead. Good luck...

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks! I do wonder how much strength ignorance gives... the old "...is bliss" maxim.

On the Valproate now. Seroquel was the very devil I thought at the time, but it was a very bad time for me at the time so how on earth should I know? At the time I thought it was going to drive me over the edge, but who knows, perhaps it was the thing that saved me?

I still gave it up because I preferred being capable of loving my family to not... :-(