Tuesday, 16 September 2008

The Problem with Feeling Better

Following on from my last, the problem with feeling better is that it has much in common with waking from a bad dream: all the ghastliness, strangeness, and deluded rapture too, they all feel insubstantial, hard to recall, as if they never happened. I feel as if I have spent the last year reading a novel about someone else. At the moment, I feel very uncertain in fact that any of it happened to me. This difficulty in accepting recent events, this bizarre pushing-away of experiences, this shake of the head and feeling of incredulity... all this too feels like yet another form of delusion.

I wouldn't say I'm in denial (after all, I'm dry and can't see any crocodiles nor pyramids, boom-boom) but the sense that reality over the last year has evaporated feels very real and concrete at the moment.

Could this mean perhaps that our sense of normality when 'well' is a delusion just as much as our sense of reality when 'ill'?

How well am I? Inspect thyself, sirrah!

I'm sitting here, typing. My hands are trembling - I have the palsy - I don't know why. If I look inwards and outwards there is the old sense that reality is curving and wandering around behind me. There is a determination to be well that has taken possession of me. Physically I am fairly ok: I haven't been drinking apart from when it becomes socially 'impossible' not to. I've been eating well, and sleeping a reasonable amount. I have a toothache, and a broken knuckle that no matter how much physio I apply to it seems destined to remain forever deformed. My leg is twitching like a sewing machine needle. But I feel calm and strong, despite these small physical indicators. My brain is not racing: it isn't hugely focused; there is some degree of distractibility. My mood is neither high nor low. My face is ambivalent: the mouth is set and slightly grim; the brow smooth and the eyes a little too focused.

In summary, I would say mood: level; flight-of-ideas: level; psychomotor-activation: somewhat up; anxiety: none; irritability: none; strange thoughts: none.

Enough analysis: tomorrow is another day. As for now, I feel reasonably good. I'll enjoy it and hope it lasts.

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