Friday, 26 December 2008

Christmas Special

Ok so I've just been for about a 2-3 mile run, naked, across the fields. I left my clothes behind the village chapel. I tell you, it is lovely living out in the sticks. The former is the one reason and the only reasonI haven't fought to drag my family back to a place where PEOPLE live.

Mud is cold on the soles.

My dearest was utterly unimpressed, which made me feel cast off from every angle.

But tomorrow is (thank god) Boxing Day, and a New Day, and a Ning Nang Nong of a Day. And first on the agenda is going to see a Mummer's Play that a bloke from Benbecula (sp?) used to run, and he's had a gargoyle carved in his memory at Glos Cathedral. And I knew him since I was 6. And he was the warmest star of a man you'd ever hope to meet. And always went barefoot. (Til he got too old). And 50 smackeroons of mine went towards it too. But, unveiling is tomorrow.

God bless him, whatever unmneaning that phrase has. And the same goes for Pinter. The last of our third rates. (We haven't had 1st or 2nd since Lawrence).

Take care all, and by the by, the nettles are vicious up here.

----------------

Update, just been for another.

It sounds worse I imagine than it actually is. After all, who on earth is awake around here at this time of night? Ok, so I probably gave twelve steathy poachers a good laugh and a story for the pub.

I'm ok. Honestly.

Merry Christmas Every One

----------------

Edit, 28th Dec.

Just feel the urge to justify, explain, make amends, rationalise my behaviour.

The urge to run naked through frosty legdeep mud and thighdeep briars isn't the irrational part. The judgement of risk is not necessarily irrational either. The irrational judgement comes in the weighing of consequences. After all, if caught, could well be banged up for a while. The risk: the night was as dark as a night could be (yes, running into barbed wire hurts). The urge: when the inside of my head is a constant scream for a bit of peace, a bit of pain and intensity works wonders. Not necessarily healthy, but understandable. I promise you, for that two minutes while you extricate yourself from the blackberry bush you've just fallen over into, into foot deep mud and all... for those two minutes the shout in the head shuts up and contents itself with saying: "Ouch.... ouch... OUCH!... ooh! OW!"

Yes, very bad behaviour. I'd hate for my kid's classmates to get to hear about it. (File that under the 'weighing of consequences'). Better than doing something really fucking stupid though, like the unmentionable exit.

I also hate the revealing aspect of that sort of behaviour: the mendicant subduing the flesh with cold and thorns (I'd have made a good hermit); the old bloody sacrificial Jesus cliche (I blame the schooling); the vile exhilaration of doing something so stupid that it makes you laugh with dumbfounded amazement... the atavism... the feeling of "Ha take that Lawrence with your whippy pine branches, try some brambles next time" oneupmanship... In other words, I revolt myself, and most of all, I revolt myself by being able to pull the motives out of my personality like the thorns I pulled out the next day.

7 comments:

Lola Snow said...

Merry Christmas in all your nakedness and nettle-stung glory. Hope you found some doc leaves??? But not doctor leaves...the doctor always leaves....

Lola X

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks Lola, the legs are sore but the soul is resting aisy.

Very wise re: the doctor leaves.

Merry St Stephen's, Dx

differentlysane said...

Rather you than me for a number of reasons:
1) I'm far too lazy/unfit/asthmatic to run 2-3 miles
2) It's freezing outside
3) I live in a city - although with the locals round here I doubt anyone would so much as raise an eyebrow :-) .

Having said that - it does sound like fun (and now I'm having Lady Godiver flashbacks - my brain does not need encouragement).

Hope you had a nice christmas,
Differently

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks. Funny tho, it being xmas and all, I really felt I deserved a proper present after keeping those sort of impulses under wraps for the last four or five months.

Abysmal Musings said...

Longish edit tacked on tonight as mea culpa and apologia pro vita sua.

Terra Incognita said...

I don't understand the apology..I appreciate you for who you are. I'm sorry you felt guilty, and I understand the consequences you thought you might have incurred on others had you been caught. But you didn't get caught, and it seems like the only one you hurt was yourself. So, having said that, I saw it as a nice romp through the nettles. LOL.
Be naked, have fun. Some of us don't have the luxury.

Abysmal Musings said...

Well, thanks Terra. One can't help but apologise sometimes. I agree with your sentiments, but I *might* have got caught... and also it's pretty unedifying the thought of someone my age doing that sort of thing... when I was 20 I thought nothing of it... and I was doing it for the same reasons...

I guess I'm apologising for not "learning wisdom" [sic]....

And also understanding my nature in a way that doesn't stop me doing stupid things, but still allows me to come out with excuses for the same.

Anyway, I'm frazzled I'm afraid. Again, a Happy New Year to You and Yours. Dx