Sunday, 28 December 2008

Over the Hill

Well, sustained by a diet of depakote and sleeping pills I hid away in bed for twenty hours. Still only 1 and 1/2 hours proper sleep: and about a dozen 10 minute bursts. I hate sleeping pills. They just don't work. Anyway, enforced complete lying in a forced stillness, brain raging, brain shouting to just shut the eff up and sleep (oh, so, so peaceful, stilly nacht, etc) it seems to have done the trick. Feel suitably semi-demi-crushed and who knows, feel calmness is back on the way.

I hate and despise the speed a high can turn into hideousness. And I hate bloody zolpidem. What a horrid word. Makes my mouth taste like a globe of slime, gives me 12 hours of horrors - nightsweats, sleep-paralysis, panic, weird lines around the edge of sight. And doesn't even get me more than 90 minutes sleep. There must be better sleeping pills out there? The damn doc only lets me have these or zopiclone, which are just as bad.

Anyway, thanks for the comments on the last few posts - it's a rather ghastly window into my mind for me to peer nervously through in retrospect. I think I will leave it up as a warning to myself what happens when I don't take anything. It's not as if there is any ridiculous stress at the moment. Just being on the shelf, unemployable, in a recession, oh, and xmas.

Here's wishing all a happy new year. D


edit, done a couple of substantial edits below - mostly in the spirit of being explanatory.


Terra Incognita said...

Oooops...meant for the last comment to hit here..
so insert comment here...
'Nuff said.

Abysmal Musings said...

Hang on, just off to look at where the comment wasn't supposed to be!

Abysmal Musings said...

Ok! Sorted! Ha.

Have a very happy new year Terra.

Back into the land of the living normals... Was in a funny place. I stand by my detestation of the speed it can flip. Somedays I'd give a leg to have a 'classic' profile. But I bet it's far worse. So that's all bollocks. Anyway, the pills seem to be working, and I only feel half my size so far. So that's not so bad. It's when I feel about the size of my thumb I end up rebelling again. And I had an argument with the psych in my head for two hours already tonight. The fucker.



LoopyKate said...

Wish i had something to suggest on the sleeping-pill front. I've not yet fround one that anywhere near touches the sides of my manic-insomnia.
However, nothing quite beats a good old rhinoscerine dose of diazipam swilled down with a stiff G&T (or tipple of your choice) for its calming, soporific effects.
Unfortunately most doctors are reluctant to prescribe either (possibly coz of dependancy issues) and it would be most irresponsible of me to suggest you procure an illicit supply. So I won't.
Sorry I haven't helped.

Lola Snow said...

No suggestions, just relief that you are in a slower place - but not Kansas?

Lola x

differentlysane said...

Hope you're feeling better. Take care,


Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks all. I'm feeling pretty well splatted by the pills. Forgot quite how grim they are. Still buzzing (but the screaming perpetual motion machine is locked in a cupboard at present), but the buzzing has changed to more of the irritable variety. Which is a pain for everyone else, if less of a pain for me, et, ad nauseum.

Loopy: sounds just the ticket.

Lola: Kansas? Normally I'm good at obscure references... Is it over the hill / over the rainbow / wizard of oz? Or is it over the hill / small hill / grassy knoll / jfk?

Differently, thanks. Take care too.


Mandy said...

Hi D

Sounds like a right mix of meds that aren't doing what you need them to and a high that has gone into a bad place.

I used to think it was only me that didn't get all excited about the glorious delirium. Rarely have I found anything glorious about the so called highs I have had. I think I got more enjoyable highs when I was younger. I remember some care free cycles (in which I thought life and everyone was lovely). Didn't last very long!!!

Now all I get is buzzing in the head, a desire to keep moving about and irritation like a scratch I can't itch.

I can't do Zoplicone..they give me hallucinations.

Hope you hit a calm spot soon x

Lola Snow said...

I'm not sure where I was coming from, possibly the hurricaine title of your last post? I'm my own version of splattered so the references may get increasing more obscure! Either way glad you are through it.