Tuesday, 30 December 2008

The Gadfly and the Bullock

With pills, like a vice around me, swaddling me too tightly, I run my eye over the last week or two or four or eight or more, and consider deleting it all.

I have to look back to April and before to find a similar degree of intolerable flying. It comes on slowly, like a bullock in a field, munching away, plagued by the flies. Eventually he starts to run and buck, short bursts at first, just to escape the bites, but eventually the field is all flies and the bullock gallops madly, kicking, bellowing. I've thought longingly of doing a Deirdre and dashing my head full tilt against a stone at times over the last week. It is just the thought of being like this for the rest of my life: either driven mad by the gadfly, or packed in the deep-freeze in the abattoir. There just doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

I will see how it goes, and come clean with the psychiatrist when I next see him. There might be something more tolerable, something that allows me to function. If you don't ask, you don't get. I'm just tired of it. Tired of the screaming motor in my head; tired of the iron-maiden the pills make.

I was thinking of deleting. But I'm not going to for now. I thought the sight of all this frantic plunging and leaping should just get dumped in the bin - after all - what self-respecting bullock wants to watch his frolics on action-replay when he's trying to get calm?

If there is any worth in this blog, it is the fact that it is a narrative, and I hope honestly shows the soarings and the divings. Not to mention the mid-air collisions.

So. It's here to stay for now.

Oh well. Here's to a better 2009 for each and every one of you. D x

8 comments:

LoopyKate said...

I'm with you on all of this. Finding that 'middle ground' is so fleeting and elusive. I'm lucky to have 5 minutes of 'normal' serenity a month. But I'm also still refusing the meds (this may well change given the rapidity and severity of my 'episodes' of late). I still keep telling myself that it's all just prolongued adolecanse and I'll grow out of it any time now. My psych thinks otherwise and I'm beginning to believe her. If I'm still barking when I'm 40, I'll call it quits. They can cuff me up and take me away then.
However, you're recent correspondance has been anything but nuts (and I don't mean 'tits out for the lads').
I enjoy your 'mania'. (more so than my own)
But I know it's not so much fun from where you're standing ( or squatting, or cowering or howling at the moon)
Thanks for your help BTW - I'm back still trying to post that f***ing vid. I'll get there anon.
K.x

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks Kate, we 'oldies' don't seem any better clued up than the young 'uns! Apart from the skills to do with surviving and language and sheer coping that comes with age and are always hard-fought for and often forgot at times of stress.

Note to the young 'uns :-): you will survive. It might be hard sometimes, many times, but you will. I know I'm hardly a target to aim for in that way, (definitely in the other!) but damn it, I've got this far by not being a good citizen. I've always found my own path. If you can find a way to do that when you're feeling healthy and make money, then go for it. Because I tell you straight up, the thing that allows survival is being able to take a week off once a month WITHOUT SHAME. Shit. This should turn into a post at some point with caveats and explanations. But as for tonight, I must keep my SHLEEEP HIGHGENE. BAAA!

Love and New Year, Etc, to all, Dx

Abysmal Musings said...

P.S. The phrase "young 'uns" is not disparaging in the least. I am shocked, scared and terrified by the nous you have all taught me over the last six months.

It's urged me, despite my protestations of going to bed, to find a journal from when I was twenty. I had to go in the loft (ok that's a lie - but I've gone in the loft to find it every month for the last ten or twenty years...).

See next post, and feel hmm...

LoopyKate said...

Y'know - in the wee week since I began blogging, it's really sobered me up to realise just how 'old' I am and how young the rest all are. I'm feeling a bit mixed about this, Occaisionally world-weary, here and there (but hopefully not) somewhat patronising and alot of the time very humbled.In my 'right mind' (wherever the fuck that went), I genuinely don't think it matters.I'm a late developer - on every front. However, there's a certain smugness that comes from being an oldie and having survived and continuing to survive. Things get easier and more difficult as time goes on. But I really believe I'm beyond the point of 'doin myself in' now (which i wasn;t this time last year). But that remains to be proved. But I do feel this is about the only thing I have to pass on to the 'Yuf'. It ain't worth it!

Abysmal Musings said...

I agree! God's sake, I was more with it back then too.

Should we start a society? Wise Old Birds (no sexist connotations) for the mental types who escape until tis too late?

And tis too late for me. I must abed abed abed Immediately!!!

Will wish you all a happy new year tomorrow, no doubt, but will be early, as a family are sleeping in here while we all play a stack of tunes.

Ok night night.

Lola Snow said...

Do not delete, I love all your posts, fast, slow and ranty or slanty. 2009 will come, we should all be here to see it and pass commentary on our blogs.
Happy New Year (albeit early, the power is cutting out here, so I am on battery until tomorrow!)

Lola x

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks all. "Ranty or Slanty" - there's a good name for a blog now.

D

Abysmal Musings said...

Well, I suppose this is a sort of compromise 'delete' :-)