Saturday, 31 January 2009

The Problem With Kraepelin

His model... you all know his model. Lillian Gith. Only joking. Ok, if you don't know it, Kraepelin's model for mixed states is a combination of mood, flight/inhibition of thought, and psychomotor agitation/retardation. Those three in different combinations give eight different flavours between and including manic and depressed. Off the top of my head: Mania, Dysphoric Mania, Manic Stupor, Inhibited Mania, Agitated Depression, Depression with Flight of Thought (which I prefer to call Anguished Torpor, because I do, ok?), and Melancholic Depression.

Right, that's that out of the way.

Back around 10 or 11 months ago I described how I felt these things interact: I remember trying to describe to the psychiatrist and the CPN in a very garbled and excited manner my idea of three snakes writhing up and down connected by bungee cords at regular intervals, like a dna molecule with an extra strand: when one coil loops too hard against its restraints, it pulls the others after it, and is then pulled back in turn. Another bee in my bonnet I had was dopamine, noradrenaline and seratonin being in some way connected to these three snakes of flight-of-ideas, agitation and mood, and their agonistic/antagonistic effect on each other being the bungee cords. (They blinked and carried on trying to persuade me to take the pills.)

Well, fair enough, but perhaps not.

Anyway the PROBLEM.

The problem is this. I find that at my age, experience, years, infinite wisdom... call it what you will, I have snipped the bungee cords that connect mood. I know when I should be happy. I know when I should be sad. When I am either inappropriately, I know that there is no reason, and that's grand. I wish I could control the other two.

Off the pills, on a rating of +3 to -3, I find I'm normally (in my normal state around 2 for flight of ideas and agitation, and between 2 and -2 for mood). That is what I call my day to day stuff. I like being in that state. It's productive, it's good, it's fucking super.

On the pills I am about -1 for thought, -3 for agitation, and -2 for mood. Oh what supershit remedies these quacks offer.

The problem again, since I made it the title, and yes I've rambled (again). The problem is, when you have learned to curb 'mood', and even though you want to vanish from the face of the earth, you know that it's irrational - when say, CBT has been self-administered to the point where it is unconscious - then you present an irritating and contradictory case to the shrinks.

S: "Do you feel like killing yourself."

P: "Of course I don't." (Even if you do.) [Because you know you wouldn't, if you didn't happen to be thinking so at the time] {and you certainly wouldn't admit it to that priest manque}...

Oh balls bum and bollocks. This is all nonsense and ranting.

Have some Bach.

6 comments:

Immi said...

The three snakes reminds me of the three ropes at the end of Pirates of the Carribbean with three human types hanging off of them getting entangled then disentangled. Should I be scared any of this is making sense to me? LOL Why would I bother :)

La-reve said...

Like the snake analogy. And the way you explain the excellence of meds. :)

LoopyKate said...

I think your tripartite (god I hate that word, makes me think of cow-gut) model/snake analogy is brilliant and I'm trying to visualise my own present state along such lines. Mood seems to have the upper-hand (although this is enormously intertwined with 'sleep' - is that the same or a separate '4th' snake?)
I find my brief flirtations with the 'meds' have a similar effect of reducing all the 'good' stuff and heightening the crap. That's why I don't normally take them. Which causes me to wonder - why do you? (you don't have to answer that of course. I respect your choice either way!)
K.x

Ruby Tuesday said...

'Anguished Torpor' sound like a thrash metal band.

Lola Snow said...

Your quote about suicide made me smile wryly. I couldn't agree more.

Lola x

Tempest said...

I agree with Lola :-)