Friday, 3 April 2009

Incomplete Precis for Another Book I Won't Lower Myself To Write

(I'm thinking a grand synthesis of autobiography, self-help, instruction manual, and general moral warning). (This post will be updated when I think of the answers to the questions, and all the answers may grow in one way or the other. It might be entertaining.)

How To Become.

How to become a happy child who will grow up to be a decent and submissive member of society, not.
How to become a survivor of a broken home.
How to become a survivor of two broken homes.
How to become a supreme irritation of teachers.
How to become a good rock-climber.
How to become nearly dead on several occasions i.
How to become someone who has left home at the first opportunity.
How to become a writer.
How to become a tramp.
How to become a lover.
How to become an expert lover. (It doesn't take that long. Couple of years.)
How to become a better writer.
How to become suicidally depressed i.
How to become a luthier.
How to become married.
How to become suicidally depressed ii.
How to become a conservation gumby.
How to become a conservation foreman. (Two months of being competent and bullshit the rest.)
How to become your own business man. (Bullshit and testosterone.)
How to become a cathedral abseiling conservator. (Supreme conjunction of expertise, experience, and nous plus chance.)
How to become suicidally depressed iii. (Tits up.)
How to become nearly dead on several occasions ii.
How to become truly mad. (etc)
How to become a manic depressive. (Lose it to the degree a concerned family member calls a doctor.)
How to become nearly dead on several occasions iii.
How to become a crap blogger.
How to become a potter.
How to become almost bankrupt. (This could be inserted all over the place.)
How to become the next new thing.
How to become an almost-ran.
How to become an aficionado of cheese-sandwiches.
How to shuffle off this cortal moil.

Any input welcome. I've only filled x answers in so far. Of course I have the answers. And I'm sure they're not in the perfect order yet. But perhaps for all you internet types there is a meme in here lurking. I hate memes. Are they MeMes or memes as in Dawkins? Or are they both and just a pun that makes you want to gas yourself?


LoopyKate said...

A wedge of blue cheese between 2 digestive biscuits (plain or chocolate or one of each). Dimensions of cheese must be 3.2 x biscuit depth and slightly smaller in circumferance or surface area to account for squashage overlap. If you haven't tried this then you have not quite reached your 2nd to last goal and you simply should before embarking on the ultimate one, which, unless I'm reading this blog from beyond the grave along with you, you can't have succeeded at so far. (And I'm glad you haven't btw). I would be very interestred in your suggested answers to all of these questions. Will you publish them please.
P.S. I hope you're feeling better or will be feeling better very soon.

Lola Snow said...

In order to become a New Thing, you must first become a Thing, which will provide you with the ideal start to become a New Thing. You can't become New before you become a Thing, or you will be an Old Thing, so you must make sure that you are a Non-Thing before embarking on this adventure. Try becoming an hat first, then you could be a New Thing Old Hat, which really encompasses all the best qualities of Thingness.

Lola x

Tempest said...

I think you forgot, "How to become a photographer," as I think pretty highly of some of the pictures I've seen in here.

Abysmal Musings said...

Cheese - thanks Kate - what about egg sarnies? I'd love to hear your take on them. Ooh I think you must be the Gary Rhodes of cheese sarnies at any rate :-) (only joking! - he doesn't have dreds). p.s. I was going to comment on your post earlier - prob still will - but I always though 'jissom' was spelled 'jism'? Concerned spelling pedant of 'here' wants to know. (And can't be bothered to consult google - because where would the fun in that be eh?)

Lola - 'thing'... yes, I can identify with 'thing'... I'm certainly a 'thing' - whether a 'thing' one would want hanging around one's house, like a ghastly ornament given by a great-aunt on your wedding day, is a different question. I will endeavour to become a hat. Good idea. I've given the flatcap over for a while because I found an Unwanted Beret in the Gutter. And it's comfy. And it irritates the hell out of people.

Tempest - thanks - I did forget. "How to become a photographer - just point the thing and press the button..." (oh, and learn about stops and technical stuff - and developing etc). No, thanks, always nice to be reminded that you've forgotten an alleged talent.

Take care all of ye. I'm actually in a bad mood, but capable of writing. Tax man sent formal notification of bailiffery - technically called a Notice of Distrait. Which funny word also means distress. Good eh? I have til April 10th to find 10K - oops I mean 7K - I paid them all my emergency money last week. So I thought what better to do than make some pots. It's been going well, the skill-acquisition. But I was overambitious tonight, so lots of crumpled shite and angry and desolate me. (I was trying to make a winejug, about two-foot tall. Hmm)

Ok night night all. Thanks for looking in on me. It means a lot, despite my current fractiousness.

D x

LoopyKate said...

You're absolutely right about 'jism' not 'jissom'. I'm not sure how that mis-spelling came about. I don't think I can blame spell check.
Thanks for pointing that out - it was looking a bit siilly. I'll go change it toute-suite!

Mo said...

I recognize qute a few of these, particularly "How to become a supreme irritation of teachers"... thought that was just me... I subsequently went on to "How to become a supreme irritation of employers".