Monday, 20 April 2009

Polluted Fountain

This constant fluctuation is tediously horrible. Sometimes it's a genuine relief at first to fall or rise unambivalently down or up, but this internal tug-of-war is just exhausting and a bloody pain.

A nerveless marionette pulled prancingly by an idiot shaking the strings.

I've been trying not to define my mood for ages. But currently low mood, agitated, and too many thoughts are raising havoc in my brain like the end-hours of a party that's turning ugly. Oh, and anxious - unreasonably, stupidly anxious, just to put the icing on the turd.

Sleep has been packing her bags again. I think she's had enough of me and has gone for a holiday.

In a nutshell, I'm up but have a lot to be glum about at the moment. I have a lot to feel happy about too. I should remind myself. It doesn't help, but it makes me feel cross with myself and puts an end to pathetic maunderings such as these.

Self-observation one thing, self-pity is verboten.

A fountain polluted with oil. A bursting rosebush caked with careless slurry.

Verboten! Enough! Take care all.

4 comments:

LoopyKate said...

My deepest sympathies. You describe well a state I well know and thoroughly deplore.
I don't imagine recent shenaningans with the tax-bastards have helped matters much.
I'm actually feeling startlingly good and I've no idea why nor where it came from. If I knew, I'd send some your way.
Be kind to yourself.
K.x

Hannah said...

I feel like donning a contamination suit and jumping in your fountain to splash around like a drunken tourist in Leicester Sq.

Hann x

Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks both. Sometimes I think trying to stay balanced is like playing squash with three balls attached by elastic. Glad you're feeling better Kate. What to do with a fountain full of ink, eh Hann? I suppose one could use it to write with, at the very least?

Don't mind me, I'm just having one of those it's shit and forever realisations. Take care Dx

Lola Snow said...

{{{Hugs}}} nothing else to offer you. Other than thoughts that I hope it passes.

Lola x