Monday, 11 May 2009

General MH Admin Stuff

CPN today, went well. He didn't bat an eyelid at my recent transformation. He said that some idiot somewhere would want to explain it, but the likelihood would be that they'd be wrong*.

The head has stayed calm. Ok, I'm still moving along at a fair clip with the wind behind my sails, so to speak, but the thing that's vanished it the black undertow. I'm mildly to moderately up. No down. The down has evaporated. The horrid head noise has vanished. The constant ear-thunder has put its finger to its lips. The depersonalisation or whatever its called... the thing where you step outside yourself... that's gone away too. It's like a voyage on brisk seas, but the sun is shiny and the wind is steady.

Metaphors aside, I can't say how much I'm appreciating the feeling of a calm head. A head that isn't broken open. A head that isn't on fire. A head that isn't a lightning conductor.

Things were getting dicey, and somehow they've resolved themselves.

It's thrown me, but I'm glad to be thrown by it.

The only difference I can point my finger at from the last 18 months is that this is the first up I've allowed to take its course without chemical intervention. This is how it used to be, looking back to those dim and distant days before that dire diagnosis. Gybe ho! Luff ho!

In medical terms, I suppose I'm generally either up or mixed, and only occasionally down without the infernal engine running. I suppose there must be something I've learned over the years, or perhaps just luck of the draw, the lucky straw that doesn't quite break this camel's back... something that ricochets me out of pure depression most of the time. I am lucky. I know what misery major depression can be. (* - what did the cpn say?)

I know I posted a while back, probably very incoherently, about what I thought mixed states were. I think my personality cannot bear to be depressed, so it revolts against it and these days tries to go up simultaneously. A revulsion of the revolting spirit. So the months I should be down I'm horribly up at the same time - and I think it is a survival mechanism, because it avoids that slow whirlpool of stasis. It drives me nuts in a different way, but it avoids the plughole that I cannot fit through or even stare at. (* - what did the cpn say?)

Apologies - this is all rather self-indulgent, navel gazing, omphalos perusing twaddle. But I have a psych appt tomorrow, so I have just been introspectively, prospectively, proleptically trying to come to terms with the various places I've been over the last three months. (* - what did the cpn say?)

The only solid remark I can offer: stress isn't helpful, but anger is useful. (* - what did the cpn say?)

Those silly personality types: if I had to describe myself, I would probably plump for hyperthymic. Maybe shading into cyclothymic. But I'm definitely a person with a smile on his face, even if it's the grimmest smile in my repetoire. But smile! Smile! Smile! (* - what did the cpn say?)

What was that Fowles wrote in the Magus (a great book for 16 year olds) - Conchis was talking about a Cycladic Head, and the smile it had. Like the smiles on the old Kores. Smug, but understanding, or something. Or indifferent, but full of humour. Or humorous, but detached. I forget. It was the combination of feeling pain while laughing at it that struck me.

Enough. I only meant to write a brief note. Keep safe, one and all. Dx

Edit, a final word, but I think it's vaguely important: the older I've got the more I've learned to laugh at myself. I was much more sad when I was young. And don't get me wrong, often my laughter is gay and from the belly.


differentlysane said...

Ooh Wales - I'm really excited.

Also noted I'm much more likely to laugh at my life now than I was in the past. Your CPN seems to have said something of sense... This is somewhat unnerving - are you sure they haven't been abducted and replaced by some kind of cybernetic imposter?

Actually I'd be tempted to print that out and remember it at the psych appointment - hope it goes well for you.

Take care,

Mandy said...

Hallo D

I wanna post 'nice one' and so I have :>)

Keep enjoying the laughter.


Abysmal Musings said...

Thanks you two Dx