Tuesday, 5 May 2009

How To Be A Screaming Nut and Have Children Revisited.

Right, I got distracted there, had to beat up the sofa, cry and sob, go outside and listen to the dawn-chorus.

Let's get to the nitty-gritty.

I suppose I have to recapitulate myself, once again. I prefer to let myself speak through the unexpurgated revolting crap I post. It's more honest. But what am I? Diagnosed Mixed Bipolar - some say one, some say two. I don't get depressed very much. My problem is the other direction. Psychosis. Florid pyschosis I've only had either at times of extreme stress and weirdness, or when on anti-psychotics (quetiapine) at a low dose - low because I wouldn't take a high dose when I saw the effect it had on my wife when she saw me crumple with the first pill.

Yet another digression. There is a good post on the Last Psychiatrist's blog about the way that different anti-psychs latch on to different brainjuices in different orders. For instance, Zyprexa goes for the dopamine first, Seroquel does histamine first, then seratonin, then dopamine. If you're on a low seroquel/quetiapine dose then it cuts histamine, which has a knock on effect of INCREASING DOPAMINE! Great! I was so impressed with my latest new pyschiatrist when I explained this to him, and he said: "Yes! We know this!" Why didn't the twats prescribing know it? I nearly hanged myself! (If I'd got the little tail of the knot wrong - wanting the escape route - I would be dead back in feb 08). BASTARDS! BASTARDOS! BASTADORITOSISOSES!

Where was I? Oh yes. Apparently I'm nuts.

But I have children. How do I cope? How do they cope? How does responsibility affect the condition?

Short answer first. They are my children. I can be psychotic but if a child comes into the room I can stop for five minutes. They are the best anti-psychotics ever invented.

Long answer. Mealtimes are hard. I hate myself for being another ghastly strict daddy insisting on quiet chomping and no mouths open. It makes me want to shriek. Strangely, this exists in my father, and allegedly in my grandfather and one of my uncles. Some to the extent they always ate apart from the children. I would NEVER do that. But sometimes I'm tempted, just to give the poor kids a break.

Discipline. I'm good at that. They love me, and I am firm and forthright. So that isn't a problem, and they know when I'm serious.

Mania: christ - kids love manic people. Well. Not all kids. My kids love me when I'm manic. Another kid they look up to and love being a huge horrible lovely kid. Enough said really. But the boys really appreciate it.

Depression: what children?

There must be more than this to add, so look in on this post. I'll add edits etc.

Take care all, D x

p.s. I may be fucking mad, but I think I'm also fucking sane.

p.p.s. I just reread this. But I could ask my wife to write something on here, and what she would write is that I love my boys, and my boys adore me. End of story really.


themadandwild said...

I want to read that article you mentioned. You wouldn't happen to know how to find it?

Abysmal Musings said...

http://thelastpsychiatrist.com/2007/07/the_most_important_article_on.htmlThis is the first part (I think). There should be links to the next two parts. The stuff I referenced is in one of them. I don't know how solid the chap is, but from personal experience, and also nhs hearsay, the theory seems reasonable.

Take care, D x