Tuesday, 5 May 2009

How To Be A Screaming Nut and Have Children.

I promised I'd write this post for la a few days back. I have no idea what I'm going to write, but I can't sleep now, and doing this may well tire me into submission.

I spent my entire adult life (and boyhood life, come to think of it) assuming I would never have children. Not because I thought I was mad. Far from it. Just the usual over-population reasons, etc. Anyway, there came the day when I was met at the train station coming back (I think) from my first week away on my MA by my wife in a very short skirt and rather suggestive tights. (She maintains they were 'patterned' - I always tell the story as 'fishnets' - her version is the correct one.)

Anyway, she said the saying that all women say privately, publicly, to their lovers, to their pillows. "I want a baby." "Of course!" said I, and that very night our oldest was made.

At six weeks there was 'spotting'. We went in for a check up. There was/perhaps still is a HORSE-FACED SONOGRAPHER AT CHELTENHAM MATERNITY UNIT who glanced and said "There is no heartbeat - it's dead."

Even I knew that the heart is hard to see pre-seven weeks. We were referred to the head of the maternity unit who did her best Hazel Blears impersonation, and waxed lyrical on the merits and sheer pleasure of the D&C. We had to ask, and then replied: "You mean an abortion."

Some instinct between us both made us say no. Let it happen, if it will. We went for a long hard walk, vigorous in the attempt to make matters natural, so to speak. Nothing. Two weeks went by. We went back for the next appointment.

Different sonographer. Fat nursie ala blackadder. Looked at the notes. "Oooh, dearies, it's dead!!!! Let's have a looksie!"

She had a looksie. "It's dead!!!!!"

Another instinct took hold. "Are you sure?" I said. Or it might have been K who said. WE SAID. She looked again. "Oh SILLY ME!!" she said. "Your womb looks like a Victorian Freak Circus!" she said "But it's alive!" she said.

"It" is the one on the right.

Fuck. I'll finish this post later.