Thursday, 7 May 2009

I Wish I Knew

What the fuel is that keeps sleep away night after night after night. How does it work? How does the body keep functioning? How does the mind keep grip day after day of it?

It is like a possession by some dreadful spirit. The poor body and mind becomes frayed and flayed around this red-hot iron skeleton creature that keeps moving and refusing to submit.

I've tried lying down in dark rooms. I've tried reading dull tomes. I've tried mimicking that slump and sigh that comes before the extinguishing of consciousness. Each time the stiff brass neck of that idiot mannekin raises the head, stares about, and asks: "And now?"

I've averaged two hours sleep per day over the last five nights. And those have been grabbed in bits and pieces. It's like eating your meals a spoon here, another spoon there. And still the infernal engine is motoring.

I'm really fed up with it. It doesn't seem plausible or possible, but the evidence is in front of me, or behind me in a memory of sleeplessness. I feel the fibres of my body getting more and more tired. As for my mind, all it says is: "And now?"

I would love you all to come over to my house, and form an orderly queue, and hit me over the head with a mallet while reciting the phonebook until I fall asleep, but I'd only find the experience exciting and start wondering what sort of person each anonymous name read out is was and will be.

Tomorrow I have a physio appointment - my broken finger from last year has developed a strange lump. It's getting bigger. What else? No electric tomorrow - probably the electricity board vandals are cutting down more trees. The largest tree in the field over the wall was felled a fortnight ago. Our house is even windier and colder if that is possible. We're invited for lunch at my cousin's.

As for me, I just ache with the tedium of the vortex-engine. I wish sleeping pills worked. They don't work on me.

Keep safe everyone. There seems to be a lot of the badness in the air at the moment. If anyone wants to ring the abysmal hotline, I may as well man the nightshift. It's in my profile. (I may as well man the dayshift too, come to think of it).

Well, I'd say night. But I may as well say morning. At least the head is feeling more peaceful, even if sleep is still a bizarre memory.

Take care all, D x

3 comments:

Hannah said...

I think I should put my order in for a new telephone book and some mallets - I have a feeling I shall be wearing out the floor boards too. My mind has already started racing and leaving a wake of chaos and destruction, sleep is next to be flung out the window.

Oh sleep! It is a gentle thing,
Beloved from pole to pole.

Hann xx

Abysmal Musings said...

It's a bitch, but it passes. I should start a business making lead clogs.

Take care, Dx

differentlysane said...

Glad to hear you had a decent nights sleep.

Take care,
Differently