Sunday, 31 May 2009

It's a Firefighter's Life For Me

No, I'm not going to join the fire-service - there would be too many arguments in the tea hut. But I've come to the conclusion that I am what I am, and there will never be a miraculous change, so I had better well just get on with it, live my life, take advantage of my advantages, and try to ameliorate the bad-sides.

Whether the rest of society will let me or not is a different question - one to be put aside for a rainy day.

Busy weekend, and not much sleep the latter half of last week. Been a bit 'flat', so to speak, or more like a mindless revving. No thoughts - a blank brain - a white sheet of paper pinned to a fan rattling and fluttering aimlessly. Been trying to suck myself back into myself - (why does that sound vaguely lavatorial?) - been trying to sit quietly and fish for the various lumps of me that have wandered a distance off-centre. It has probably meant I haven't been rivetting company today, although I managed to give the boys what attention I could muster at times.

One of the hardest things for people around one, is the answerless nature of the question they want to put? Why are you feeling like this? What have we done? What's happened?

Nothing has happened, just a movement of the waters, a shift of the plates, a random fluctuation of the jet-stream bringing different weather. Life is too short wasting time on reasons that aren't there.

Saw lots of cousins yesterday night. Lovely to catch up with them. They really are a vibrant and positive bunch. I wish I was like that most of the time too. Ah well.

And May is almost over. I used to love May. Now I know the suicide statistics, I view the month with a guarded eye. I still love it mind, but with a certain circumspection. Heard of a friend of a friend who hanged himself the other week. I was angry with the month, and with the statistics - as if they caused it. Poor bastard. Spent Friday night feeling sad and furious by turns.

But June tomorrow, and hasn't the weather been beautiful? Maybe this summer will be a good one.

Keep safe and take care all, Dx

2 comments:

Hannah said...

hey! we made it to June! wahoo! either the statistics are skewed or we're fantastic anomalies!

Abysmal Musings said...

We're lucky, blessed, and maybe stronger than we think. I'm feeling more positive now June is here too. Dx