Sunday, 3 May 2009

Just Dreadful

Me that is.

Topics to be covered (to channel my arrant mind):

i) Today
ii) The safe nature of words/blogs/posting/whatever
iii) I want to die but won't

Today. Woke up. Got up. Saw missus at wits end with childers. Took childers out for walk and icecream. Came home. Looked after childers while missus slept. And slept. And slept. She deserved it. Neighbours childers came round. (3 girls to match our three boys). Pushed my youngest around garden on toy tractor. Trying to navigate careless rake left by missus was very aware about risk of it falling on youngest's head. It fell on his head. Neighbours taking great delight in watching me console him. I headbutted a door a few times with the self-disgust I felt. Childers got noisier and noisier. I flipped and sent them home, thankfully without screaming. But close. I hate that dangerzone. Not knowing if the explosion is contained or beginning. Sat down in peace and sobbed my guts out. Gutsobbing continueth for next 6 hours. My head's exploding.

The safe nature of words/blogs/posting/whatever: the simple fact I can write this with tears streaming down my cheeks, and if you were to read it you wouldn't ever guess.

I want to die but won't: or rather can't. I won't and can't put my kids and wife through that. Finit. But to stop the noise in my head. God. I'd give anything (but that) to stop the noise in my head. Whirlygig whirlgig, let me go round, whirlygig whirlygig, I hate your sound. I'm cracking up.


Lola Snow said...

Sending you some something, not sure what it is that we send each other in these comment boxes, but sometimes the something works. Stay Safe D,

Lola x

eccedentesiat said...

I have the noise too and family to upset if I managed what I'm trying to do. Look after yourself x

Hannah said...

Big Hugs


Philippa Brodie said...

Thinking of you David. Please take care. xx

Terra Incognita said...

I wish I could be there to hug you in person.
As it is, just take it for that.
You are forgiven. Your son is okay.
And it will be over soon.

Abysmal Musings said...

Thank you all from the heart.

I take so much care the carefulness hurts.

All your comments are wee dowsed of balm and nectar in this weird pit.

Thank you all again.

D x

p.s. Sleep has taken the hump and buggered off again. Everyday I think the plateau is reached and the slope down is visible and everyday a new false summit appears.

Abysmal Musings said...

(not wee - as in pee - but wee - as in little.)

Abysmal Musings said...

(but it still doesn't make sense. Apologies)

Philippa Brodie said...

Well, if we can make you piss balm and nectar its all worth it. ;) xx

Abysmal Musings said...

Lola, thanks, I wish I knew what it was too, but it does help.
Em, yes, shouldn't even be whispered should it? Or if so, only to cast an incantation of iron against the possibility. Thanks.
Hannah, big hugs back, but careful, I'm probably not very huggable at the moment.
Philippa, thank you.
Terra, I wish you could give me a good slap and shake. You've deleted your blog again?
Philippa - beware: stoneware decorated bottle of pee-balm-nectar in the post!

Feeling just as zoomy today, but my mood is good. Flicked to all systems on green and go. I hope the boy racer isn't joyriding the jalopy of my life.

But what a difference mere happiness makes to the curdle and the chaos!

Take care all, D x