Thursday, 21 May 2009

Vagaries of Mixed Downs

Subtitled: Feeling Shit, But Feel A Duty To Invent A Reason For This Post

Ok, so I feel shit. But when I feel down-shit I usually feel shit in terms of energy and thought - not necessarily in mood. It's as if I'm not allowed to feel unhappy shit. What have I to feel shit about? It's not allowed. Currently looking back through old photos from three years ago and noticing with pain how much happier people look. Innocently happier. Makes me feel as if I've fouled the water. I still don't think of this as being particularly down in mood, though I haven't felt like moving much today and the brain has been in the deep freeze.

I managed to cook. That's something.

Last night went to bed bright and early. Well, one-ish. Lay in bed wide awake for eight hours watching my brain play tricks with the lampshade on the ceiling. It was scurrying around. Fell asleep for about three seconds: I felt myself falling downwards through the bed into a giant dustbin. It was similar to general anaesthetic. I was naked, and in the dustbin was a giant rat. I knew killing that rat in the dustbin the other week would get its revenge.

Fell asleep at nine am for an hour and a half, and had a very horrible, bizarre and explicit dream - I witnessed a Roman Decimation. I can still see the faces of those centurions being speared through the face in pairs. The spear-thrusters were behind my shoulders. Where do these faces come from? It genuinely felt like an accidental fold in time I fell through.

Felt flat as hell today. Still wouldn't describe myself as 'down' - yeah, the symptoms, but what the hell have I got to feel unhappy about? Eh? Nothing. Eh? Therefore I'm not down. Therefore I'm not down. Both mantra and curse.

CPN has been coming over daily. It's good of him to bother. It's not necessary.

Oh well, this has been a barrel of laughs. As I said. I'm fine. What on earth have I got reason to feel not-fine about?

Take care all. Dx

edit. Sorry for the uncheery post. I try not to post when I'm crap, and if I do, I hide the crap. I'll post readily when up, agitated, horrible etc, hard not to sometimes, but I had to force myself to post this. It's taken (what a surprise) about ten times longer to write than my wont. It will pass. Somedays I wish I'd stay down for a while. I envy people who sleep and sleep. It doesn't happen to me. Something in me doesn't allow it. A Path With Heart posted about the cursed dancing shoes. Just entrails dancing. That struck home right through the bone.

3 comments:

La-reve said...

D
There must be concern for your CPN to be visiting so often, are you really ok there? no stiff upper lip needed here, lack of sleep is crap will you take something to help you tho, knowing your distain for meds.

Abysmal Musings said...

Don't worry - I'm doing ok. Cpn needs his weekends too. I'm doing all right. Hope you are fine too.

Abysmal Musings said...

p.s. Take care my dear, Dx

- and the offer still stands if you want to come down for a breathing space.