Thursday, 17 September 2009

The same old

kill yourself etc

I was thinking very positively all evening. I thought through all of the things it would take to get back to work, doing what I do best.

The emotional cruxes started the negativity. Always bad to work with your best friends, especially when they've bailed you out.

So you start trying to think of ways to work that don't impede them.

And then you hear the litany of "kill yourself" repeated ad nauseum in your ear.

Well, I have the antidote to that, and always will, so fuck off Mr Kill Yourself. I have 3 small boys and a wife upstairs blissfully asleep, so fuck off fuck off fuck off.

I am fine. Just in a bad place, temporarily.


Morte said...

Had a feeling things wern't great D. I know what you're talking about, it's always there, just the volume changes or you drown it out, the problem is maintaining the strength and energy to fight that bastard. You're on the right track though and I've also found it really useful lately, and that's personalising the invasive thoughts of suicide. I even mock it. It does persist of course, but the point is to put distance between it and your true mind. It's not something I've always done, but I'm hoping it'll help reduce the frequency of major depressions.
My CPN/Psychiatrist have a reasonable handle on the various symptoms; anxiety, depression, etc. Suicide and thoughts thereof they never understand, they view it as if it's an entry on a tick list of things to do for that day; Put rubbish, out, buy smokes, cut grass, kill self.
But in actual fact it's entirely involuntary, invasive, and persistent.

Stay strong in your bad place, thinking of you.

David said...

Thanks Morte. It sounds silly, but I think I am getting better - because that feeling took me by surprise. Black dogs look nastier when they haven't been biting for a while.

I'm ok. Thanks for the sense. atb D

Borderline Lil said...

Look, I just bleeding voted for you in the photo comp, so please don't cark it before ye win!? Seriously, D, the black dog knows when you're getting a head start on him and even the SPCA will allow a swift kick in its nuts. Fight on, comrade

David said...

Thanks Lil.

Cark - what a great word. I like that.

tr. & intr.v. carked, cark·ing, carks
To burden or be burdened with trouble; worry.
A worry; a trouble: carks and cares.
[Middle English carken, from Norman French carquier, to burden, load, from Late Latin carricre; see cargo.]

cark it Austral & NZ slang to die

La-reve said...

Sorry to hear that you are plagued by those thoughts. I no those demoins hoping they pass sharpish. x

Terra Incognita said...

I'm so glad you have a reason to tell that voice to fuck off.

Louise H said...

I know where you're coming from, it's an exhausting 'place'..

Kate said...

Oh D, it's getting about a bit this one.
I was poking eyes from potatoes with a knife the other evening when all of a sudden it piped up from a place just behind my head

'Die Bitch, die'.

It took me by total surprise too so I raised my blade-clenching fist at it and yelled
loud enough for the neighbours to hear. And it did.

Sounds like it's trying-in-on with all of us just now.
And yes, the black-dog definately looks a whole lot uglier when you haven't seen it for a while.
I'm glad you're bearing-up now. I hope it stays away.

love K.x

karenintheory said...

I know the feeling, I know the thoughts, I know the voices. You have my sympathy and I hope things pick up really really fast xx

David said...

Thank you everyone, you're all lovely.

I'm ok. I might be a wee bit intense and a wee bit in the black and the blinding white, but overall I'm not too bad.

It's been much worse than this, and I survived that.

Your words mean more than I can let you know. But I'm going to try.

It's because you know what I know and I know what you know. Simple as that.

That said, if I crack and say something on here, it means I'm halfway to hell or heaven. Never all the way. I wouldn't know what to do with a keyboard then.

But halfway is still halfway, and all of your words diverted me from the one direction, even if it was two directions simultaneously.

Enough. Blather blather blather.

Keep safe all. Dx