Sunday, 15 November 2009

Where Am I?

So, after nearly two years, how has my diagnosis changed me? Because, for sure, being labelled in such a critical way that takes away so many of your rights and privileges damn well changes you. And I am an old dog of 38.

Well, firstly I've retreated from all of the healthy constructs that I used to use to behave like a normal person. I think I am still 'normal'. But I've been told for the last couple of years I'm not. And it has meant I have let slip the reins to a certain degree. The insecure me, the angry me, the raging me, the paranoid me, have all been let loose far more than I ever let them be. (When I was officially well). After all, why bother, when one can't even be a local School Governor? I'm not allowed. I know the governors. They all get pissed in the pub, then drive to pick their kids up in their godalmighty 4x4s.

And I'm not eligible to be on a jury. Despite the fact I have one of the finestly graduated shades of grey mindy mind I've ever had the pleasureful pleasure of meeting.

So fuck that.

Where am I now? I haven't been anything worse than running naked in midwinter for months. And where I live, it is i) not illegal (would be if someone took offense and it was proved I did it to cause offense) and ii) it's bloody cold and iii) I could do the same thing in the daytime in the summer, and there would still be no-one to see.

Why would I do that? Good question. Thanks. I've always wondered why mad people get naked sometimes. Um.... Sometimes when the head is full, shedding everything is a way of getting back to oneself. It's a pretty harmless coping mechanism, especially when it doesn't scare the horses. And in truth, it shouldn't really bother anyone in a healthy society.

Unfortunately, we don't live in a healthy society.

Where am I? I have hands full of thorns. That's where I am right now. I was doing my bit (the bit no-one else was 'man' enough to do) by sorting out a huge bonfire that wasn't burning. I got singed too. I was stood in the middle. But that was all fine by me, and in no way anything to do with mental derangement. It was simply "This is the way to sort the fucking thing out."

Love you all to bits, you who still read. Strange how where I am now has given me a handful of new friends.


This picture of bums was taken in 2007. When I took it and the reason why I took it was a random coinciding of people that jogged my memory of Julius Caesar massacring some ridiculous number of Germans. The internet isn't learned enough for google to work for tonight, but I will find the passage in the Gallic Wars, and post in a comment. Basically, JC drove a whole tribe (thousands of men women children) into a confluence of two rivers. They were either stabbed or drowned.


Borderline Lil said...

I'm neither running naked nor displaying thorny hands, yet somehow I can always relate to your posts D. LOVE this photo, not the average family shot but then...not the "average" family (thankfully!!)

David said...

Thanks Lil - I just try to write how I feel - it takes years of dedication to abstain from editing the rubbish that flows from my mouth :-)

Caesar quote:

"But there was also a great crowd of women and children in the camp - for they had brought all their families with them when they left home and crossed the Rhine. These began to flee in all directions, and were hunted down by the cavalry which Caesar sent out for the purpose. Hearing cries behind them and seeing that their people were being massacred, the Germans threw down their arms, deserted their standards, and rushed out of the camp. When they reached the confluence of the Moselle and the Rhine, they realised they could flee no farther. A large number were killed, and the rest plunged into the water and perished, overcome by the force of the current in their terror-stricken and exhausted state." - Massacre of the Usipetes and Tenctheri 55BC. Gallic Wars, Ch IV.

differentlysane said...

Know what you mean about once you've been labelled you end up letting the pretence of 'normality' slip. Although for me it took the uni finding out to completely obliterate my "I'm normal mask".

You may not be able to sit on a jury, but I've found nothing to stop you becoming a magistrate. (I checked because irony dictates that as soon as I qualify and therefore have the time to be such things - mwah hah hah).

Take care,

La-reve said...

Hi D

Interesting post , having of course been labelled myself. there are a lot of things we are now barred from being which makes me quite mad.

I read the guardian article and thought it to be total rubbish. to suggest that someone wiyj mental health difficulties should not be concerned about sex drive (after all god forbid we procreate) reeks of eugenics to me.

I like the photo by the way but cant help feeling cold for them hope it wasnt taken in current climate.

Lareve x