Saturday, 26 December 2009

Happy Boxing Day

That's another one done and dusted. And it was hard, especially in the morning.

I hope everyone has come out the other side a day older, a day wiser, and many years more stoical.

Lots of love from me to all you very dear people who all look out for all of us in times of trouble. (Oh shit, I'm possessed by Sir Paul McCartney!!!! GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU SMUG BASTARD!!!) That's better.

I always have to spoil warm words. Sorry. Dx

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

I Really Am an Earth-Centric Moron Sometimes

There I was on Sunday night, raving about the stars in the winter sky with my oldest friend, when my imagination was caught by a cluster of 10 - 13 stars shimmering in the frost. "Pleiades?" I wondered. Indoors we went and I looked up some star maps. Now of course these charts are shown with N S E W etc. So, knowing I was looking south, I mentally reversed the map so I was heading in completely the wrong direction and I've spent a day wondering where the hell in Canis Major this amazing cluster is.

In other words what I did was look at the map of the heavens like a map of the ground, as if I was outside looking in towards earth. Where really, south on the map means the map looks like that to the south.

Or in really simple language, a star-map is designed to be held above your head, not on your lap.

You may think I'm beating myself up unnecessarily, but that sort of thing on my part really irks me. (And yes, it was the Pleiades - and a wonderful night for seeing them).

Other news, I've calmed down considerably over the last two days. Sleeping again too (thank goodness). Six weeks of crap sleep is long enough.

Just spent the evening reading 'Clockwork' by Philip Pullman to the boys. I would have loved to have seen a German Expressionist Silent film based on that story, if a time-machine could be invented. Or an early Svankmayer's take on it.

Maybe I'm not earth-centric after all if I'm visualising being on the outer fringe of the universe looking in and through these stars towards earth. Hmmmm.

Take care all, and merry whatever it is you celebrate. I like to nod to the solstice (hence the snow-bathe) and the traditional xmas. Just because I've been an atheist all these decades doesn't mean I don't enjoy all the trappings (like most art) that comes attached to Christianity and all the other religions.


Tuesday, 22 December 2009

Xmas/Solstice Eeeeeee-Card

Well I'm ok as you see - just cooling myself down a little. I thought I'd take a weekend break of sun, sea, and sand, but realise now I was sold a pig in a poke.

p.s. Old posts have been restored (until next time)!

Saturday, 19 December 2009

Practical Advice

Sorry if I'm been lax. I've been doing the heads of sane people in over on facebook. You all know my name - you can find me.

It's nearly two years since I went completely nuts. And I am not very much different from that at the moment apart from one enormously important factor: namely, these days myself, and my wife, and my kids, all conspire, perspire, and etc to make a joke out of my 'enthusiams'. I have changed my world, rather than changed myself. It has worked to an extent. Ok, I can't rewrite the rules for H&S or insurance companies, or even the DVLA who want me to fill a form in. Example: "Have you misused alcohol in the last six months?" What on earth do they mean by 'misuse'? I must confess, I spilt some on the table the other week (because I was drunk) and I used it to clean felt-tip scrawling out of the grain of the wood... Etc. To be honest, my only honest reply to misuse of alcohol is not drinking it. What else is it for? (apart from cleaning). I could be sober at the moment, and I could be taking the suicide pills, which I have a super stash of, namely Quetiapine, Olazapine and Depakote. But I'd rather stick by the whisky to be honest. I can calibrate the dose far better.

My love is still heartbroken. The gp prescribed some weaker beta blockers but fucked up the prescript, and ended up prescribing a dose 16x stronger than he intended. He was very shamefaced when K triple-checked. The panic in his voice gives the clue to the fact that that mistake might have killed her. Thank something we're tough fuckers who ask before obeying. Grey matter first!!!!!! And if grey matter says "WHAT?!!!!" then get a second opinion.

I am fucking manic. I'm not going to list the ways. I'm glad I'm indoors, clothed, and moaning about doctors, etc. But I am convinced many of us (and I've been yakking with a couple of semi-manic people tonight) - have an antagonistic version of SAD - we go up to spite the down in the darkest days. It has happened to me anyway the last five years at least.

Last word. I'm going to try to restore the blog. It was selfish of me to delete it. There is stuff that could help people, if google is any indication. It might wipe out everything. But it might not.

It will still carry on, interminably, never fear, although I fear that.


p.s. And just another time for the record, counter to everyone who hates mania. If someone is manic, and can FUNNEL IT, and make use of it. It can be good. It can even be life-saving. Funneling is the key. Controlling. But of course, that isn't Mania, captialalfjasdfsl -

x - y = z

If y is huge, then don't lecture me on my shortcomings of x you bastards. My y is almost worn out. Absolutely lace-like. Gossamer. Fuck. I don't believe, but God preserve me through xmas.

Friday, 18 December 2009

Who Wants To Come to the Rural Sticks for a New Year Party?

Just asking...

The last party was a good one.

You're all welcome. Just email me or phone. Most of you have the details. If you've lost them, then leave a comment and I'll find a way.


Wednesday, 16 December 2009

I Hate Funerals

I hate funerals but I thought they'd be easier the older I got. But no. Anyway I'm dreading tomorrow. I don't know the form for CofE - I know the form for Catholic and Orthodox... but come hell and high water I'll throw a clod of dirt on the coffin in its hole and say goodbye. Anyway, the dead one is the only one in that family I liked. So I don't care if I inadvertently offend.

Tuesday, 15 December 2009

Refusing to Freak Out So Funny Story Maybe.

I was thinking... I have gone commando since 1990. Come May next year that will be twenty years. It's probably more than half my life, in fact it definitely is.

It's in my mind because I'm wearing pants today. Or, so to speak, an old pair of K's boxer shorts from a long time ago. I had to get some x-rays done of my spine. It only takes the first time one has too see someone for something medical after a long time without seeing those bloody white-coated people, when the little petite Chinese lady says take your trousers off, and you begin, and then remember you haven't worn pants for a decade or so. She smiled and nodded very nicely and gave me her handkerchief to preserve my modesty.

But what I can't quite get my head around tonight is that (although I never have, honest!) I keep feeling the sensation of wearing underwear, and it makes me think I'm wearing women's underwear, and then it strikes me, actually, I AM wearing a woman's underwear!

Christ on a bike the things that keep me awake!

p.s. And when I was at the physio the other day, with K and youngest son, and had put K's boxers on for the occasion, dear Lucinda (may her name be cherished - she was lovely) was worried that I'd be offended if someone walked past with me in my pants. Although according to K, while I was demonstrating my 'exercises' everything fell out. Maybe I need a Borat Thong.

Sunday, 13 December 2009

It Takes A Certain Fortitude...

... to keep calm when your love keeps collapsing with stabbing pains in the heart, dizziness and breathlessness. It goes, how should I say, counter to all the basic medical knowledge one picks up. But the docs don't seem worried, so we grin (terrified) and bear it.

I am Dreadful with Acronyms de Jour

It was only a year or so ago that I discovered that GSOH didn't mean 'good standard of hygiene', and tonight I've just discovered that MILF apparently doesn't stand for 'mother-in-law-fantasy'.

Right, back to normality. How are we doing? What are we doing?

Kate: all manner of weirdness. Beta-blockers made her get the full Mount Everest without oxygen experience. Or being 90 with emphasemia (sp? can't be arsed). Since her heart was slow, the gp said they'd probably be a bad idea. Not that the consultant god from Stalag camp headquarters 15 gave a toss. Anyway, after two days the gp told her to stop them. So - doctor table tennis anyone? you can be the ball!!! Anyway, as she was reassuringly told - if they were worried, you'd be in a bed being monitored, so let's hope it's all par for the course and common and safe. They don't know why these things happen out of the blue. The old internet suggests very minor strokes can do it. But just bad luck from the sound of it. Anyway, looking on the bright side, she's doing ok, and does better the more feisty she is, which is good!

Me? My head has been trying to go walkabout quite often, but I've been being extra ruthless. It is interesting. When it is something selfless that demands your being-there, I can turn one side of the screaming bastards against the other. It's not simple force of will - it's co-opting your zoominess to fight being zoomy. How the hell does it work I don't know but it is working, and not too many whisky nightcaps are involved. (Not like some of the bad (or good) times). I've been being judicious. Hic. And as for the sciatica - doctor doesn't think I'll comply with treatment - either it's surgery or steroid injections into the spine. I told him I'd have to be in a wheelchair before I let the sawdoctors into my spine, but I'd be open to the idea of the injections. I don't think he believed me. You can't win with these chumps.

I know lots of you are going through hard times at the moment. So I'm sending my love. If I won the lottery (fat chance, I don't do it) - I'd establish a charitable refuge for you all. But since that isn't likely, you can always phone me up.

Ok enough for now. Take care all Dx

edit - can't let that pass. All that crap about pitching myself against myself. The one bloody time I got caught was when I couldn't.

So therefore I'm sane, because I'm not losing it. Except I'm mad, because I once lost it. A pox on all of it! We'll battle through, and we'll bloody well win.

Tuesday, 8 December 2009

I'm Either

Going utterly tits up (if I had tits) or becoming the carer from heaven or hell.

24 hr ecg only recorded 1.5 hrs. Consultant was a posh prick. And he took my darling's driving licence away. CuNT!!!

Therefore, despite being at present very mad, I must not be mad. I must keep hid. Keep caring. Keep doing all the driving. OH WHAT A WONDERFUL WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 2 December 2009

Random Musings

Hello everyone, and again, thanks for all the well wishes.

We're surviving, but life has been simultaneously busy and fraught and 'salle d'attente' so to speak.

Anyway, it's Wednesday now I suppose, just, and so tomorrow K gets her go on the 24 hour monitor, and I get to see the physio about my sciatica. The boom-recorder being present will, of course, mean that K is completely recovered over those 24 hours, but that's the way these things always go. As for physios - thankfully I'm not up - last time I was there I was, and funnily enough, one doesn't get very good service when telling the doctor that they're feeling in the wrong place, and ARE YOU !!!SURE!!! YOU'RE FEELING WHERE I'M TELLING YOU TOO!!!!! angry stares and gesticulations... ahem.

Had my crown fitted today. For a dentistophobe the whole process wasn't too bad. The hour of drilling last week or so ago got boring eventually for me to start drifting off.

My Poor Old Teeth

These days the dentists offer the casts with an apologetic shrug, saying "We haven't got any room - can you - er - look after them and keep them safe for us?" Modern times eh.

We were also given a big big bag of freshwater crayfish the other day (frozen, but still not to be sniffed at apart from food-poisoning sniffings after defrosting). What a feast!


Funny wee story behind them. The chap who trapped them was dog-sitting for a mutual friend and gave them these and a whole pile of live ones because he enjoyed staying in their house. (Back to front recompense, but never mind that.) Anyway, the dog-owners don't like crustaceans - so they threw the live ones in the food-waste bin, and forgot about the frozen ones. The live ones kept trying to escape the foodwaste bin, so they kept putting more foodwaste on their heads. To no avail. Eventually they ended up putting them out of their misery (so to speak) by pouring kettles of boiling water on top of them. Sigh. If only they'd said, we'd have scoffed the lot and killed them a damned site more humanely.

Anyway, all the kids give a big thumbs up for freshwater crayfish. (Don't worry, conservationists, they were all the american species that is wiping out the protected indigenous variety - I checked.)

Apart from hearts, backs, teeth, crustaecea, etc, what else?

I'm planning a 24" by 20" pinhole camera. That will be amusing. Especially at £11 per negative. Patrons? Patrons? Where is our rich patron? :-D

Oh well, enough. Big moon tonight. My moon theory is now - yes in the winter - no in the summer.

Take care all, night night, Dx