Friday, 15 January 2010

The Hollow Eternal Tock Follows Tickticktickticktick

I am writing because my brain and heart feel strangely as if they have vanished. I feel a need to put words onto paper - considered, clear, warm words - in an effort to prove to myself that my brain and my emotional warmth have not vanished.

I suppose I should have seen it coming. A couple of months of rushing about, productivity, new plans, ideas a plenty, culminating in behaviour that while it can be cannily justified as 'art', is in reality little more than finding high-falutin excuses to lie in the snow in case I spontaneously combust.

And at some point - yesterday? - the day before? - my memory feels erased - something pulled the plug. All that is left is a sense of extreme disinterest in all the things around me, all the plans I was executing. Disinterest, and a horrible generalised irritation at the universe and everything in it.

I have been trying to keep myself contained and unobtrusive. But it doesn't work in an emotional household like mine. Any change in behaviour sets off responsive behaviours, and sooner or later sparks fly - be they intentional sparks meant to strike fire into the sudden cold ashes - or unintentional sparks of anger at my all-too-predictable inconsistency.

So - I feel thoroughly out of sorts. (Such a comforting phrase, 'out of sorts'.) I feel completely unreal in an unreal world. I've been here before - it doesn't frighten me, although it irritates the hell out of me. Perhaps that is the cause of my unfocused irritation?

It will pass. I hope it passes without causing too much offence.

4 comments:

Mossy Mom said...

"a horrible generalised irritation at the universe and everything in it."

You described that so well!

Lady_Amanda said...

Hi there,
I found your blog through Lil. You can visit my blog anytime. I would like that, for you to give me an opinion on my blog. I can sort of relate to what your saying because I have schizophrenia. Isn't it werid like you said in the end of this entry that "it will pass." It's like people with a mental illness have these weird moments, where we think these weird things, and nothing ever comes of it. It's just a passing weirdness.
Stop by,
Amanda

karenintheory said...

Hey sweets, sorry you're feeling so bad. Wish I could help.

Love and hugs xx

Borderline Lil said...

Oh, how I hate that "vanishment". Hope the out of sorts sorts itself out D.