Wednesday, 17 February 2010

Pointings Out: Notes On CPN Visit

Tediums: some blasted form to do with the Care Something Approach, or Something Care Approach, which is changing, due to some tedious government initiative, because a new system is coming in, so the old system has to be updated at great tedium so the new system can then be all updated again at great tedium. I read through the form, and he knew I wouldn't like it and offered to take it away and fill it in for me, and I agreed with him politely: "To be honest, P---, it would fucking aggravate me at the moment."

Positives: when he mentioned that I was 'labelled' on their system as 'untreated', I pointed out that despite the ostensible trumpeting of a range of treatments, that language was talking only of medication, and of medication only. I pointed out that I was treating myself, using my mind, and he agreed forthrightly. He knows the flaws of the system, and is happy to admit them.

Apparently, I'm classed as an 'expert patient' whatever the fuck that means. I asked if I'd get a gold badge to wear, and he said it could be arranged.

Been flip-flop and hanging on to my tightrope using my fingerends recently. He could tell I was having some trouble, and probed, gently. I pointed out that all definitions of a mental illness require subjective distress to be experienced. I am feeling rather horrid, but I know what it is, and I know it will go away again, therefore I am not 'distressed' by the experience. (I don't like having root-canal work done either, but I know it only lasts an hour in that chair, therefore it is fucking painful, but not distressing in the sense that it would be if I thought I was going for a trim and a shave.)

Also pointed out that at present I am coping by intentionally living the live of a hermit, and it is working for me. Financially unethical, maybe, regarding the state, moderately expensive, regarding my pride, but cheaper than getting bloody ill again.

And finally, pointed out that being diagnosed in the blink of an eye at the grand old age of 37 is a bit late in the day to humbly submit to having my personality changed. Mood and personality are tangled together like the pubes of two lovers. Treat the mood, you are treating the self. CPN said with some vehemence that I was absolutely right, and that everyone has a right to retain their own self.

Right, call that a general update. This winter has been a bit better than the last, and the last was a bit better than the ghastly one before that. Hope is in the air.

Keep safe all Dx


La-reve said...

Too right, and couldn't agree more D. It annoy me that to be treated means to be medicated. I'll let you into a secret not taken meds now for eight weeks and feel better for it. they bring them and I put them to one side (nice stack of Quetiapine which is available on request to anyone reading). I haven't told them because they would probably use it to say I am lacking insight or ill. I haven't eluded to it on my blog as think CC reads there. Also I have been told I will only get my driving licence back when I am compliant with meds as am considered untreated and unstable unless. So I play their game and smile when she remark how well I am doing on the meds.

Thank god winter is over and it will be march soon. can't waitto sit in garden. (the only bit of green for us city folks) and vitamin D best med in my opinion.

Take Care x

Scream said...

I went off meds for about 8 years. But now they have me hooked on xanax to deal with mania. I'm tapering off against medical advice but it is going so slowly. :(

Your CPN sounds ok.

David said...

La-Reve - yeah, roll on spring, and let's pray for a gentle one.

I found with my lot of the MH people that telling them that the pills were taking my own natural defences away, when I decided to go off them, was the main reason why they let me have my head, or let me have a go by myself. There is a lot to be said for the naff services up here.

Keep safe! You're sounding really together within yourself. Lovely to read. Just remember to remember that when you get set-backs and blips and horridness which is all just as easy to feel without pills, you've got your wits about you, and that it will go away if you keep holding on. Dx

Scream, not familiar with xanax - and not familiar with the concept of tapering to be honest (I know what it means, just never done it apart from cold turkey). Hope it's going well.


Away to Wales tomorrow for three days. For one reason or another it's been six months since we last were up there. Here's wishing the roof is still on the place, etc. I'm not sure I'll swim a llyn, or even have a dip in the stream, but who knows!


Alison said...

"tangled together like the pubes of two lovers"

I love that. That's all.
Alison R

Morte said...

Good post D. I enjoyed it, it sums up quite nicely how I am also feeling just lately.
I recently had my CPN visit, she's pretty good, in fact very good, I am fortunate in that regard, I don't feel as though I have to cheat the system, they respect my views, in a similar fashion to the situation you describe.

I'm on the very cusp of going med-free. My CPN reminded me I could and it is entirely my own choice. Though that doesn't sit well with my recent hospital stay on the grounds of refusing prescribed medicine. I think the point is making your decision whilst 'well', and being respected as a service user who has some insight generally.

My reasoning for refusing then, and still, is I felt my drugs were weakening my resolve to weather a particularly acute depressive episode. Though of course it's very difficult to express that during full blown depression.

I've always maintained I am trying to cure me of myself, but caught in the system and surrounded by glossy media bipolar stories, you can forget all that. Like I said to my Doc, I survived until now, a decent age, I shall just live out what I have left in the same manner in which I did pre-meds.

If that's ok. Please.

WillSpirit said...

The way mental health 'professionals' act is infuriating. They don't have to suffer the side effects of the c**p they want us to take, so it's easy for them to treat us like willful children for not wanting to ingest it. Good for you for standing up for yourself. Hard to tell from your post whether the person you spoke with agreed with you or was patronizing. But you spoke the truth, and it needs to be spoken.

David said...

Thanks Alison - my inappropriateness filter was broken - I like the simile too. Just seemed right! Dx

Morte - I hope it goes well for you. Off-topic - walked up to the lake I took you to where we met those poachers. Frozen bloody solid - eerie - not even the sound of lapping. There was about a foot of snow accumulated in a great field twenty feet from any bank. I was wishing you had been there to see it with me. Take care mate, Dx

Thanks Will - no, not patronising insofar as my bullshit detectors are honed to gleaming. atb D