But more importantly, I was just thinking about self-esteem, and how that is one of the swords rammed down my throat and out through my perineum and pinning me to the floorboards, and always has been.
Self-esteem. Ffs. I don't know. I wouldn't be surprised if I come over as having stacks of it. But that is a lie. And it's been a lie since... oh I don't know... how far do I need to go back? But maybe it is better to talk of when I started to learn to fake confidence. Late teens. And yes, it was all faked. I faked it until people started talking behind my back about what a confident chap I was. What a fake. And even after then, when I recognised my fakery, I kept on doing it. It's the only way for a chap or chapess to get on, y'know.
Now I'm just over a year from forty.
The thing I find hardest now about this in-built weakness is that whenever anyone says anything complimentary (and this has always been a problem, but has got worse over the decades) I firstly don't believe them, I secondly disparage or belittle their opinion, and thirdly I ignore them.
I am a weak worm. Voiceless and clueless. Chop me in half and both bits will wriggle for a bit.
I know this mindset is false. I prefer to believe other people rather than myself. It doesn't help.
I just try these days to keep things in mind, and not be horrible to people who are being kind in their admiration. [edit - this particular instance, mostly photographically related, but also a 'sane' person telling me what a good thing I did with Wern last year, and supporting my intention to do it again]
And last of all, I blame my mother!
Take care all, Dx