Wednesday, 17 March 2010

Flans, Tarts, Quiches, Pies.

Or, on categories of foodstuffs and the usages of history with special reference to the DSM.


Dramatis Personae

Happy Presenter
Dr Dandruff
Dr Baldpate
Dr Combover
Dr Hairtoss
Dr Eyelashes
Dr Nunnery
1st and 2nd Lunatics
An Infinite Number of Goons

[Scene. Daytime BBC Studio. Cookery implements. Shiny smiles. Happy people. Vapid audience, both present in studio, and implied hiding within the cameras.]

Happy Presenter: Hello! And welcome to Diagnose That Filled-Pastry! This morning on the programme we are going to explore the vexed question of is it a flan? Is it a quiche? Or a pie, even! Remember, you, the viewer, decides!!! Or - now stop that giggling at the back - is it even that saucy thing some of us might call a tart? [rouses titters from studio audience with eye-flailing and suggestive arm-motion] Over to you, the experts.

Dr Dandruff: Well, the item before me definitely has a pastry base with raised sides. It appears to be filled with dairy products, both galline and bovine in origin, and various reduced vegetable matter. There may be some porcine protein hiding under the surface - may I taste?

Dr Baldpate: Define pastry!

Dr Dandruff: A rough paste of lipid fats, farinaceous matter, and for want of a better word, aqua.

Dr Combover: [munching]. It's tarte a l'oignon.

Dr Hairtoss: No, honestly! I think you'll find that is a perfect example of an onion flan.

Dr Baldpate: Define flan! Define tarte? Is a tart the same as a tarte? Do they taste tart? Do they taste as tart as a tart? Is the tartness commensurate with the tartiness? These are the specific and vital questions!

All: [Shut up! implied by shifty rolling of eyes and looking the other way].

Happy Presenter: Ha! Ha! Ha! Dr Eyelashes... You look like a girl who knows her tarts from her tartes... What do you think?

Dr Eyelashes: [bats] I think it's a quiche. If you refer to the study by Strudel, Kirsch and Gateaux (1996) you will agree with me, I'm sure.

Dr Combover: It's definitely tarte a l'oignon. No meat either. Hint of nutmeg. And something indefinable.

Dr Nunnery: As ever, it is the indefinable that is our greatest enemy. We must seek out the indefinable, and extirpate it, mercilessly!

Dr Dandruff: Is that usage of extirpate as in "destroy" or "censor"?

Dr Baldpate: Define censor!

Dr Eyelashes: Well I think that really, it doesn't matter. Who cares if we censor or put them to sleep? They are only pastries after all.

Happy Presenter: Ah! A question from the audience! Yes! Please! You, madam!

1st Lunatic: If I fold a circular pie with a topping in half and seal it, then is that a pasty, and is it still a pastry, and is it still a pie? And will it poison my husband down in the tin-mines? [Exit, dragged off by goons.]

Happy Presenter: [giggles] Moving swiftly on - but first, Dr Hairtoss, have you anything to say that might answer that lady's question?

Dr Hairtoss: [tosses] No.

Dr Eyelashes: I've just googled, everyone. [Pause] Apparently, quiche 1949, from Fr. quiche (1810), from Ger. (Alsace-Lorraine dialect) Küche, dim. of Ger. Kuchen "cake." Became fashionable 1970s; became contemptible 1980s.

Dr Combover: [Pause] It's jolly tasty.

Dr Baldpate: Define tasty!

Dr Dandruff: I believe we have discovered a new category! Rejoice, O peoples! [Scurries off to telephone DSM, hoping for a fat wee bonus.]

2nd Lunatic [interjecting from the audience]: What about pizza?

Dr Nunnery: [clears throat, sniffily] Only the coarse people eat pizza with a dough base. Refined people prefer a light pastry base, as it aids the digestion.

2nd Lunatic: So you're saying a posh pizza is a type of flan? And that common people eat bread? What about this kuchen? Why can't we eat that?....... [Exit goons and 2nd lunatic, draggingly. Faulty studio oven-hob explodes - close up on Happy Presenter still smiling as the blast decapitates him, mouthing 'tune-in tomorrow'. Pause. Rats eat corpses.]



Pandora said...

Cannot. Stop. Laughing.

If I get distracted by thoughts of pastry in tomorrow's therapy session and start randomly pissing myself all over the floor, I'll be blaming you.

P x

David said...

Don't worry, blame away!

What makes me laugh is that it's been at least eight years since I've seen any of that sort of stuff on the telly. It never leaves the brain... now that's a frightening thought.

Take care, Dx

David said...

I don't post sillinesses that often these days. Maybe I should more.

Anyway, I made a lovely Onion Tart tonight. The trick is to cook it so the eggs don't quite set so it is still... gooey.... It takes a stack of onions though.

I'm getting the hang of this vegetarian cookery. (We started getting a veg box a couple of months ago. A big one. If you can cook creatively and accept the challenge, then it works. We have just caught up and are beginning to think the box isn't big enough. This is due to the fact that all those beautiful vegetables deserve the best cooking and the best eating, and therefore we have been buying far less meat than we used to. It takes more time, it is true. But I'm feeling fucking damnedly more healthy.)

Apologies for the veg-box rant. Have no idea where that came from. Oh well. Let it stand! Dx

Forbidden Regrets said...

You know what really sucks? That fact that we have to live this way! And you guys know what I'm talking about. I mean in highschool, you pass by people, not one person but many. And they stare at you as if you have something coming out of your nose. They stop and ask "Are you ok?" This only pisses you off more and you try and explain " I have depression and anxiety disorders, it takes over my life." Slowly they say, "Oh depression thats no big deal just think positive." And your world is crushed at the fact that no one understands.

Borderline Lil said...

This post is making me hungry...