Sunday, 2 May 2010

Sitting in the Rain.

I sit here in the rain, bereft of home, wife, boys; in a house where the occupants hate me for being in the way of them hating each other.

I have been smoking and drinking too much. Pelvic floor exercises help at times - they stiffen the spine. [deleted]

(I'm typing verbatim from a notebook)

I have noted Bach's main subject from the art of fugue for some recondite reason.


Kate and I have split up. I'm not going to talk about it, and don't any of you dare ask me questions.

I'm currently homeless. "We always knew he'd come to a bad end," chorus the vultures, all keenly sharpening their beaks. I'm not, de facto, homeless. I'm staying at my coz's, but the bile and the emnity is not very therapeutic.

However, I am keeping my head together pretty damn well considering. A few stress related hallucinations, an intensity of seeing that is as good (or bad, as your point of view would have it) as it ever was at the best.

A huge relief. This makes me more sad than anything else. I am sane - just going through hell. One soon realises there will be no peace until I have a room of my own.

The boys are bearing up well, considering. A is brittle and putting the brave face on things. N is gentle and loving, and makes me cry. Smallest A or N is as jolly and gleeful as ever.

It is strange how many people out of their unknown depths are doing their best to make me go mad again. I suppose that would solve all their problems. Blame would be shifted onto the false and nebulous concept of manic depression as it applies to me. And they will all get off scot free, and allow themselves the luxury of pitying poor me. Adding insult to injury. Well. I'm not going mad. And am not remotely in the space where I could. I thrive on disaster. Perhaps it keeps me sane.

I'll just contract my seventh chakra, and stiffen my spine. Am not going to be abused or bullied anymore by anyone.

Take care all. Apologies for the hiatus here. But I imagine you've understood why.



Kate said...

Love, peace (and no questions).

Terra Incognita said...

My husband and I are in a similar situation. Exact. I hope you are ok. I like rain. It's cleansing, and we don't get enough of it in Texas.

Pandora said...

Sending hugs and best wishes. That sounds horribly trite and platitude-y, but I wanted to offer something. Please take care of yourself.

Pan x

Em said...

No questions just love coming your way. It's a horrible situation for a non-horrible guy. Hope you find yourself a room soon. Take care x

David said...

THanks all - should have updated sooner but was trawling through blogs setting up the invite only crap.

I have got a space again - back in the very room I lived in 1990-92 - one of the happiest rooms I had. It's house already full of lodgers, but they are p/t and I can sleep in the office when their rooms are full.

At the moment it is peaceful, lovely, and the door is locked, so no people creeping in as I sleep.

Will post some pics and a proper post tomorrow I hope.

Take care all, Dx

Borderline Lil said...

Biggest hugs to you D, love & understanding (sounds trite but it works) xx

Lola Snow said...

Thanks for the invite. *Stay Safe*

Lola x

karenintheory said...

Thanks for the invite and hugs. And no questions.

Differently Sane said...

Really sorry to hear this - no questions. Just best wishes and hugs.

Take care,

ps Thanks for the invite.

Ruby Tuesday said...

sending hugs and good tea xx