Friday, 23 July 2010

Been Yearning For Extinction, But It's Alright Ma, I'm Only Being Weak, Temporarily

Feeling sad, ashamed, angry, revolted, aghast at all the hideousness... well it can overwhelmingly make one wish for it all to stop and vanish, including me. But it's not suicidal. It's just temporary weakness - a lack of strength, a lack of firmness and fortitude. It won't last.

Taking the boys away for a long week tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. It will be a good chance to catch up with them properly. K is off gallivanting, and I hope she has a wonderful time. I'm not an ogre.

I've been busy. Slipping back into the ways of remembering how to work. Damn it, I'm good at what I do. Always nice to remember, or to have it demonstrated by oneself, to oneself. Been in charge of works for the last two days. All hopeful for the future.

But I keep zoning-out when staring at drops. The drops don't scare me; neither do they fascinate. I just keep being sucked into them. They don't exist, and I know I wouldn't if I entered their sphere of non-existence, like a swimmer slipping softly from the side of a lake. But it's not serious; and it's not a cause for worry. It just is.

Other news. Full of a boiling lustiness and goodwill. How can one be like that and simultaneously be an infolding of infolds? Maybe the infold curls like a flower waving to the world as it curls in?

Had a lovely lunch in a low-couched Moroccan restaurant. Spicy beans and spinach and mint tea.

The world moved against me, and I smiled at it. Somedays I feel like a ghost. But it is all fine. Fine? Tolerable. I'll get over myself.

Going out playing music in Bristol tonight. Just heard the ex is in town. She will be planning on going. I texted to let her know I was too, and that I don't mind if she turns up, but it is her with that problem. No reply yet. Maybe I'll have the enjoyment of a public psychotic scene with her. Not me, you understand. Not me. Wish me luck.

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