Sunday, 4 July 2010


Quiet Carriage, Number One.
"Stick your Maltesers up your arse," shouted the old lady, wheelchair bound, to her son/brother/youthful husband.

"Did you like that bucket of chips?" he replies.

"Fuck off, no! No! What is he saying again? Fuck off."

She falls to sobbing and cursing, quietly.

"You owe me money!"

"No I don't."

"Yes you do! You owe me three pounds!"

"I'll give you two and you give me five and that will cover the taxi."

"No! Fuck off with your taxi! Stick it up your arse!"

"Well, you owed me before we took that trip to Blackpool. It cost me a packet."

"Stick your packet. You stole it from me!"

"Well, we're quits then."

"Yes! We're quits then, so stop fucking griping." 

Quiet Carriage, Number Two.
A bunch of football cunts, out on the tear, Tamworth to Brum. Soft as shit. If a few glares and a sneer and a laugh in their face can send them out to another carriage, then soft as rain-softened, worm-ate stools on boggy, marish ground. 

Quiet Carriage, Number Three.
During the chaos, bloated gut-buckets (male) screaming falsetto grunting aggressive petulancies at the children, and his similarly corpulent wife, turns to the mother and asks in caustic bray (I am ashamed to say they were from the town I was born in): "Have they all come yet?"

"No," replies Gran, brightly surveying the wincing carriage subjected to electronic trumpets, drums and racing cars, "No, dear, they've not come yet, but they soon all will."

Bring on the plastic electric orgasm "quiet-coach" convulsion and let the universe end.

1 comment:

mo said...

A train jouirney... *gasp*.... oh the nostalgia... childhood memories of smoke and steam... clickety-clack, clickety-clack... that poem by Auden about the mail. Oh yes, nothing beats a nice quiet train journey.... until you actually go on one of the fuckin' things and pay an absolute fortune to have the journey to hell. Mind you arriving at your destination let's you experience how the guys in Apollo 13 must have felt when they finally touched down back on Earth.

Glad you're back on terra firma, sometimes it's good to be off the rails.